Breaking Up Is Awesome To Do....

**Disclaimer** NOT FOR THE FAINT OF HEART! There is cursing and vulgar talk below, proceed if you have thick skin, and/or a sick sense of humor! One or all of the previous 2 are mandatory!**

Okay, I have been gone for quite awhile. And according to the title I am sure you can guess why. I have finally untangled myself (okay, more of a rough shove into reality!) from my narcissist. I was given the shove when I was able to access his old phone (Yes, I was THAT girl, but with very good reason!) and the profundity of my ensuing discovery was to say the least damn near soul crushing and in a way quite humorous. Laughing through the tears I guess you could say. Had there been a psychiatrist/psych ward within a 5 mile radius I am sure to have been committed screaming happily all the way. Multiple email accounts, and the emails and texts were sickening. The close up crotch pictures were not becoming either I might add, his or all of theirs (you nasty girls), and honestly a majority of them were, well, eeeeeewwwwwwww (Skank you very much!). Fuck you Craigslist Casual Encounters section. Fuck you to the bowels of hell. Excuse me while I go pressure wash my vagina...........

Short version, cheated on for the whole duration of our relationship. Cheated on with countless, clueless women who likely had no idea of the whole scope of the situation that he was involved in. Seriously, I guarantee had even half the women known about the full situation he would have ended up castrated quickly, or at least displaying quite a few damn near permanent hand prints on his face or shoe prints on his lily white hairy ass.

Out into the garage went his personal items. I was kind enough not to violently fling the items while screaming profanities that even Satan himself couldn't have come up with, or dig out my sledgehammer. My GOD, the temptation to do so was so overwhelming my insides were quivering like a bowl full of jello on the dashboard of an old pickup going 45 down a pothole ridden backwoods road. Even though I am a bitch, I am far more mature than that. But entertaining the thought of such massive destruction was delicious. I even gave him back the table he built me. Surrendered to the garage to rot in the heat with the scorpions and old garden equipment. Laughing maniacally as I realized that this all came about during a time that we were actually slowly working on patching things up.

Funny part, is he STILL is trying to say I misunderstood what I saw and how much he cares about me. *gag* Yeah, sure buddy, whatever. That's the problem with narcissists. They will damn near KILL THEMSELVES to hide anything that could make them look like a colossal jerk-off. (Heh, fitting.). But, the purpose of this blog is not to give you the lurid details of yet another failed relationship, it is to reinforce my previous posts regarding dating and mental illness. Red flags are STOP SIGNS!

But, the awesome part of this is that now I feel, well, mostly awesome! Serious as a heart attack. I do have my sad, WTF type moments, and then am able to quickly snap out of them when I remember the texts and especially the "Girlfriend Asleep...Come Play" Craigslist ad....... Or the Ashley Madison account that he said didn't exist, for years! Okay, refocus. I am angry still, yes. BUT the viewing of all of that disgusting shit shoved me into the land of "Go Fuck Yourself", and honestly, I hate the man. I am glad I no longer love him. The biggest thing this has given me is an overwhelming sense of relief. And joy. Yes, it is possible to be in a blinding rage and be happy at the same time. Myth, busted.

Why am I happy, because I am free!! No more wanting to throw up when he gets a text, no more listening to his mouth oozing lies, no more man related stress, nothing. My house is a peaceful place to be again, and my son is dancing around in exuberant jubilation because he is gone! My bathroom actually stays clean now and doesn't look like it houses a hairy Walrus. I am free to enjoy the opportunities that will open up for me with this trash being taken out. I am hopeful for my future, hopeful for my love life and have learned so much from this that I guarantee the next time will be with someone who has a backbone, a penis that stays in his pants unless I am present, and only spouts the truth like golden vomit from a cherub.

After all of the pain and difficulties that being involved with this person has brought into my life, I am coming out the other side stronger and at least 5 times more awesome than I was when I went it. I am far more discerning about my chosen company, and I will stop executing "California Stops" at those stop signs (ie. red flags). I will be a horrible driver. Watch out if you are behind me because you never know when I will rapidly place both of my feet onto that brake petal and stand on that thing like I'm trying to push it through the floorboard and embed it into that asphalt! Passengers be damned!

In love with a narcissist? How to tell. Oh, and RUN!

I have recently discovered while poring over numerous articles about relationship psychology that I have spent the past 3 years in love with a narcissist. Finally, a label! A tag! Something that made sense of his behavior. Of course, all of this time I thought it was my fault (narcissists are FABULOUS at this one!).

This is an extremely toxic place for any person to be, and it is more likely that the relationship will end in a fanfare of emotional destruction so great that one will likely need counseling. I am in the process of untangling myself from a relationship with a very sly narcissist currently, and tell you what, it's hard work. He is very persistent in staying until he figures himself out even though I have begged him to go and have done everything short of calling the police on him to get him to go. I am unemployed and am willing to take the financial risk to save my sanity, but he says he is staying to help because I would be "screwed without him". Well, either way I am screwed right now. The more I look at the REAL reason for him staying, the more I can see that it has nothing to do with me. It is convenient for him. And THAT my friends is the main component of a narcissistic personality.

And, yes, it is. All about them.

The typical narcissist is born during infancy and early childhood. During infancy, starting at around 6 months of age, the baby will begin to establish an attachment style in response to the parenting style that he or she is subjected to. A narcissist will typically eventually develop the avoidant style due to neglect from the primary caregiver. This will carry into adulthood and into intimate relationships. Yes, I like Freud. Quite a bit! My narcissist was given up by his mother to his grandparents as a toddler because her new boyfriend (eventual husband) did not want him around. OUCH. Please, view a childhood situation like this as a red flag/stop sign, NOT as a reason to help or fix someone. That is what I did. I gave him everything I had and swore I would never leave him (soothed his abandonment issues) and it still wasn't enough. It will end badly, I can almost guarantee it.

What to look for:

• See picture above. IT IS ALL ABOUT THEM! Nothing they do has anything to do with you. No matter how hard they try (and how good they are at making it seem) like they are making it about you. It is a farce. A lie. A manipulation. There will always be a selfish motivation behind their actions, whether it's to earn yours or someone else's attention, affection, praise, or to twist things for their own personal gain. 
• Extremely attentive and charming in the beginning of the relationship. Again, nothing to do with you! They are only serving their selfish needs in some way. They need your validation, and will go to great lengths to get it. Once they have it and realized you are hooked, the devluation comes into play. Things you used to do that never bothered them all of the sudden become annoyances. They blame you for their mistakes. They constantly nag and criticize. This is to make them feel superior, it's not because you all of the sudden became the most annoying, incompetent person in the world.
• A narcissist has a need for attention that can NEVER be filled. Think, black hole (of the outer space persuasion). No matter what you do, it will never be enough. When they feel they are not getting the attention they so rightfully deserve they will find it elsewhere. (Ahem, cheating-dating sites-Craigslist). Mine even admitted to me once that he needed the validation from other women to feel better about himself, the validation and adoration that I gave to him and had for him was NOT enough. *sigh* Guess that was one time where it didn't pay to be completely smitten.
• They will play the mystique/vagueness/tortured soul game with you. You will never know of or be able to comprehend all of their pain (ugh) or how they feel about you. You won't understand it, they say. This is hollow bullshit and is used only to manipulate you. He's been using the "It's complicated" cop out on how he feels about me lately, when all I want is some honest validation that he did OR EVEN did NOT care about me during the past few years. I have since given up caring how he feels or felt about me because he will never tell me. That is a complication I do not need in my life. In my book, "it's complicated" just means "I am too much of a pussy to tell you I never really gave a shit about you.". And now I know why.
• Excessive self absorption is a common trait with narcissistic personalities. As if you haven't gathered that by now! *ahem* redundant. My apologies.
• Inflated sense of self even though on the inside they are the epitome of low self esteem. They will always project an image of self confidence and will build themselves up to others every chance they get. They do NOT accept criticism well at all, and will go to great lengths to deflect it and prove that either the person dealing the criticism is somehow wrong or is an idiot. A narcissist is horrible at accepting that they may in fact be WRONG!
• Center of attention seeking behavior. Always wanting to be the life of the party. Guaranteed they will be the loudest most persistent voice in a crowd. I remember trying to have conversations with people and he would cut me off constantly, or interrupt. It was infuriating! I just thought it was because he was Italian! People even called him on it a few times. "Hey dude, she was saying something!" Usually in that circumstance he would leave to sulk or find someone else to talk to. It got to the point that during social events I would often just sit there quietly because I knew if I tried to talk to someone he would cut me off, often to point out how wrong I was about something, or prove that he knew more than I did about any given subject. 
• Okay, this is going to hurt a little if you are in love with a narcissist. A narcissist is INCAPABLE of TRUE empathy. They will put on a great if not occasionally AMAZING show of feigned empathy. They may even cry. Whoa! BUT, just know that they are only doing it to serve themselves in some way. When mine finally admitted to cheating on me with his ex, he cried. He showed remorse. He swore it was killing him to hurt me. Then 3 days later he went behind my back and slept with her again, even going so far as to lie about it to me when I put him on the spot because I was suspicious about it. His argument when he finally fessed up = he couldn't handle hurting me again. Yeah, sure. Whatever, fucktard.
• Know this, when you cut off the attention to your narcissist they ABSOLUTELY WILL go seek attention elsewhere. With a quickness. It will make you feel like you were worthless to them. The cold, hard truth is that you were only a tool of self gratification for them. Mine was carrying on online (and very likely offline) relationships with other women for the whole duration of our relationship. (Which he STILL refuses to admit to even though I have seen his emails and texts!!) At first it made me feel worthless, and incredibly hurt. But, in hindsight it was his issue. All of the love and devotion in the world will never be enough for a narcissist. It just will not be. This is no way reflects on you. 
• They are controlling, and will usually use guilt to manipulate you and/or the situation to get what they want. Even going as far as to let you get your way sometimes but making you miserable during the process. This will never be a give and take relationship. If you want your emotions and finances to be sucked dry, continue in this relation-shit. Be my guest. Can't say I didn't warn you. I am left holding about $10,000 in student loans used to help him grow his business. Should take me quite a few years to pay that mistake off.

So, if this sounds like a situation you are in, I am sorry. I feel your pain. The saddest part of this besides the waste of the last 3 years of my life is that I actually feel sorry for this man. I know that his behavior is not completely his fault, and I know that he possibly doesn't even recognize that he is behaving this way, or is at least not intending to. If he does realize it, he will never admit it. Narcissists are sad little creatures. Low self esteem motivates them to display these behaviors. They are sad, lonely and scared that they will never measure up. They are scared that they will be left behind. Sad.

But, you CAN break free. No matter how much you love this person, you absolutely, positively MUST. I am not saying it's an easy thing to do. It has been 7 months of hell, and I am almost certain that this has created a revolting fear of relationships within me. BUT, There is a light at the end of the tunnel, and you WILL get through this! This person will never love you completely or the way you deserve. They will always put themselves first, with very little of the give and take that a healthy relationship requires. You deserve better. Now go find it.

The Single Mother's Guide to "Ghetto" Doughnuts....

In my house, we call these "Ghetto Doughnuts". I know, classy aren't we? 

They taste ALMOST like real doughnuts and I can guarantee they are probably just as fattening!

You will need:

• 1-2 Packages of CHEAP pre-made biscuits. We use the Kroger Brand. Usually they are 2 for $1.
• Sugar and Cinnamon
• Pan of Vegetable Oil

I cut each biscuit into 4 pieces while the oil in the pan on the stove is heating up (Med-medium high depending on your stove. Please, no fires!) I also pour a bunch of sugar and cinnamon into a random bowl.

When you put a piece of the biscuit into the pan and it starts to fry nicely (read: lots of bubbles on the sides) it's go time! I usually fry these in batches of 6-10. 

Fry 'em up! Pull them out of the oil and throw (or slam dunk, the choice is yours) them into the cinnamon/sugar mixture. Toss to coat and put on some papertowels.

Consume and enjoy! 

Great, another addiction......... For zee ladies! Nailed it?

Thanks to Pinterest, I am becoming increasingly addicted to nail art. Great, another addiction.

So, for my polka dot project I used:

ULTA: TuTu Cute (Base nail color)
NYC: Black Lace Creme
NYC: French White Tip
Sally Hansen Chrome: Royal Purple Chrome.

(Yes, broke single mom here, I use the cheap stuff!)

How cute! Although it was hard dotting my right hand as I am NOT left handed!

Apparently I should have taken the picture immediately after I finished. :( Lesson learned! Maybe I should submit this to the "Nailed It" part in Pinterest showing the Pinterest fails? LOL!

Regret Chopping Off Your Hair? How You Can Grow It Back Healthy and Fast.

So, I went through a hugs phase many years ago of trying to grow out my hair. And, I was pretty successful (between bra strap and waist), until I decided to dye it darker, though it ended up too dark and people kept comparing me to Amy Lee from Evanescence (not a bad thing!-Can I have her voice please?)

Here it is after I dyed it too dark.

I ended up bleaching it, which just caused so much damage I ended up having to cut it off. The big chop. Seriously, I cried.

After bleach, right before I cut it.

F**K! I ended up having to cut it off because of all of the damage. It's been at my shoulders since then.

Right after the big chop :( Cute, yes. Short, yes.

Well, I have decided to try again! When I was growing out my hair the first time, I was a member at www.longhaircommunity.com which I must say is an INVALUABLE source for anyone looking to grow out their hair! I learned so much and was able to get my hair to grow past my shoulders which I had never been able to do in my life! Now that I am back on the wagon, I will share what I know with you, and what works for my hair.

Keep in mind first of all that everyone's hair is different! What works for me may not work for you! I have thin, fine, dry hair.

• Condition, Wash, Condition! This makes my hair incredible soft and happy! I first wet my hair, then I apply conditioner to the ends (Usually cheap like VO5 or Suave). I then wash my scalp with diluted Mane N' Tail Shampoo (LOVE IT! So Gentle!). This way, when I rinse out the shampoo my ends are protected from the suds running down the length. I rinse well, and then I apply a heavier conditioner to the ends. Right now I am using Garnier Fructis Sleek & Shine. Rinse again!
• Shea Butter! I also use this to moisturize my face so it keeps the product stash to a minimum. I love products that can be used for multiple purposes! I put a small amount into my palms, rub my hands together to melt it and then apply it to my ends only after washing my hair. The hair soaks it up as it dries so it is not greasy.
• Bunning! I bun my hair as often as possible. I shower at night and put my hair up when it's about 80% dry. This is awesome for giving my hair some volume the next day. There is a picture below of my "go to" hairstyle typically. A messy bun. I make a ponytail, pull the hair through once and then pull it through the second time from the front, leaving a pouf (looks like a rainbow, only without the color, although I may try that sometime! You know, with the color?!). Usually I pin the "tube" part to the top of my head to hide the ends that are sticking out and so it doesn't look funny then I pull out the rest half-hazardly to even things up. 
• Castor Oil! Really! I swear by this stuff for my face, and I will swear by it for my hair too! Besides, another product with multiple uses, YAY! Once or twice a week I use a mixture of 50% Olive Oil and 50% castor oil on my roots using a pump bottle like I do for my face in this blog post. I then heavily condition my ends with the Garnier and then bun up, throw a shopping bag and then a towel on it and let it soak in for no less than an hour. When the hour or so is up, I remove the towel and bag and then I SLATHER my hair in VO5 (Kiwi Lime to be specific) and let that sit for half an hour or more. I wash out with my Mane & Tail shampoo and condition the ends again. My hair LOVES this and doesn't end up greasy if I follow the steps above. 

Crappy pic taken from the top, you get the idea of what my messy bun looks like though. Pardon my roots, I have stopped dyeing my hair  and have decided to let my "stress highlights" shine through! :)

• Stop Dyeing! I have stopped dyeing my roots and am now embracing my "stress highlights". I am strongly debating using henna again, and will post when I decide to do that again. My hair ADORES henna! It plumps it up nicely and gives it a nice shade of red. 
• Avoid the blow-fryer (when you can)! Says it all. Although, when I do blow-fry, I use the cool, low setting and stand there until my arm damn near falls off. I always use the blow dryer aiming down not up. This keeps the cuticle smooth.
• Trims! Luckily my hair is long enough to where I can trim it myself, and I am keeping the layers in for now because my hair desperately needs volume. When I trim I do a micro trim. I just trim off the very ends. Hair typically grows 1/2" every 3 months so I feel like cutting off anything more than that would be counterproductive. 

Take care of your hair and it will love you back! Some people spend a lot of time on their hair to get it healthy and growing. All I really do above and beyond normal care is the weekly castor oil treatments. Other than that, benign neglect seems to work well, at least for me :)

Cats interacting with a treadmill, love it! When you aren't sure about an object, just keep hitting it hard. That will tell you everything you need to know!

Okay, I adore cats! Love them. I have two. A spoiled fat and really old cat, and I inherited my Mom's spoiled now 5 year old cat. So, I love cat videos. Expect to see those on here.

And now, cats reacting to a treadmill. I laughed my ass off at this (told you I wasn't normal), seriously.

It's funny!

How NOT To Kill A Boston Fern Houseplant

I have yet to have met a Boston Fern that would ever have the privilege of living long enough to say that I was good mom. (Yes, again, my plants are my other "kids"). I tend to kill them with the quickness of a hawk swooping in on a field mouse. Okay, wrong analogy, that is too quick. But, I am sure you get the picture.

I typically have a pretty easy time keeping plants alive and the Boston Fern is NOT one of them. Of course living in Arizona may not help, although most of them have been laid to rest in Colorado, which is still a pretty damn dry state.

BUT, I think I have figured it out! I am NO expert, I learn by trial and error! Apparently these fluffy little things need moisture, and quite a bit of it. (Well, duh! She says as she firmly places her palm onto her face.). They are ferns ya dummy! They grow in Oregon and other wet places! That explains what happened to the fern that was placed above the in floor heater vent (on a table, I am not that cruel!). And the one that had direct sunlight all day in a South facing window during the summer in a home that no air conditioner nor swamp cooler existed (Colorado mountains at 9,000 feet for ya!).

So, I was lucky enough to come across a 10" clearance fern (must've been a bad kid??) for $2.49 in the floral department at Fry's. After thoroughly checking it for insects/diseases and giving it the all clear, I figured why not?! If I kill this one, of which I was 95% certain I would, it's only a few bucks. Perfect! Go figure, this is the one I keep alive!

This is "Fern". Yes, that is her name, and no, it's not very creative!

How to NOT kill your Boston Fern: 

• Moisture, moisture, moisture!! These things need serious amounts of moisture! The soil should always be moist (NOT SOGGY!). If you are walking by with a glass of water, check the soil and give it a little drink if it needs one! 
• Humidity! Place your little guy's pot on top of some pebbles inside of a large water tray and keep the tray filled. Mist with water a few times a week, especially during the winter! 
• Bright, indirect light! Do NOT place this poor thing in a south facing window (think canopy in the forest is it's natural home!), or in a closet (I don't care how unruly it was!). Mine is about 15 feet from my back sliding glass door which faces south, and about 10 feet from my west facing windows so it gets sun in the evening too. Seems to be happy there so I will leave it!
• Not too much food. You don't want it to get fat? Do you? Um, haha! Seriously though, they really do not require a lot of fertilizer. They are in their active growth phase during the late spring and the summer. I recommend fertilizing once a month only at a higher dilution than what is recommended on the package. Less fertilizer, more water. During the winter I would say to fertilize every 3 months at most, again using only half of the recommended dosage on the package. Feeding your fern too much during the winter is one way to kill it, unless you prefer the above the heater vent method. 

Happy growing!